tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC August 14, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am EDT
bing bing bong bing bing bong bing bing bing bong bing bing bong bong bing bing bong bong bong m >> aw, yeah! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] bing bong bing bong bing bong bong bing bing bong bing bing bong aw yeah ah yeah >> trump. >> jimmy: that's right. [ laughter ] donald trump is still all over the news. and this is interesting. according to the new report, the word donald trump said most often in the debate was "i'm." [ laughter ] that's right, the word he says the most is "i'm." the word he says least? "sorry." yeah, that -- doesn't wanna do it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] he doesn't wanna do it. and meanwhile, rand paul recently told reporters that his campaign is going to focus on taking down donald trump. [ audience oohs ] and trump said, "i've tried it myself and it doesn't work." "i don't know what -- what am i supposed to say?" [ laughter ] this is pretty big, this sunday, donald trump is expected to appear on "meet the press" hosted by his long time rival, chuck todd. [ audience oohs ] people say they are definitely
going to argue. specifically, about who has the worst barber and that's very interesting. [ laughter ] i don't know who's gonna win that one. this -- pretty bad. [ applause ] just do whatever you feel like doing. [ laughter ] yeah, i don't even know. you tell me what to do with it -- barber is like, "i don't know." [ razor sound ] okay, go head. [ laughter ] >> steve: i'm not a barber. >> jimmy: he just goes into an alley -- alley somewhere. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: like, "here's ten bucks, man." "just do whatever you want." [ laughter ] a lot of people are even more worried about the volume of republican candidates after last week's debates. but i think scott walker might have his own problem with volume. it's time for a new segment we like to call "scott walker can't say 'volume'." [ applause ] >> they lower the price, broaden the base and they make more money off of volume. >> broaden the base and make more money off of "valium." >> they actually broaden the base of "valium" of the products they sell. >> or they could lower the
price, broaden the base, and increase the "valium" of the profit that they make. [ laughter ] >> lower the price, broaden the "valium." >> how they make money. "valium." you got it. they make money off of "valium." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: broaden the base. >> steve: all right. >> jimmy: lower the "valium." >> steve: "valium." >> jimmy: guy sounds like he just swallowed a whole bottle of "valium." volume. >> steve: "valium." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: lower the base. control the "valium." [ cheers and applause ] lower -- lower, nd the base -- of course now that campaign season is heating up, we're starting o get tiundated from ads from all the candidates. take a look at some of these. these are great. >> i need to share my heart to show a little bit about my life experience. >> now i'm running for president to fight and win for the american people. >> i hope i can earn your support. >> jimmy: yeah, pretty standard for an american campaign. but check out the latest, and this is real, this is an ad a a politician is airing in canada. watch. [ laughter ] >> hey, i'm wyatt scott and i'm running for parliament for the new riding emission.
that's we -- fraser canyon. i'm an independent candidate and i'm here to fight for canada! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, canada. [ laughter ] i'm pretty sure he's pro-weed, that guy. i think so. some music news here. there are reports that justin bieber's next album will be released in november. as usual, justin is expected o collaborate with a number of daother artists including skrillex, diplo, a$ap rocky, flipcoin, 2 chainz, lowdown, and rihanna. anhod yes, i made up at least two of those names. [ laughter ] flipcoin. [ applause ] >> steve: flipcoin. i love flipcoin. >> jimmy: flipcoin's great, man. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: aw, we got flipcoin on this track. >> steve: oh, dude! >> immy: ew, sweet, man. >> steve: they got flipcoin on the jukebox! >> jimmy: oh, come on! he only lasts five minutes, man!
flipcoin -- he's got to come in and get out of here. come on, quick. [ laughter ] he's got -- he's busy, man. that's how he -- that's how he decides if he's going to do it. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: he flips the coin. he's like -- nah, later. >> steve: oh, contest over. jimmy: aw, flipcoin, come on man! >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: two out of three, two out of hreen flipcoin. [ laughter ] >> steve: can't do it. >> jimmy: he's like, "nah. i'll call my friend, '1 chain'. [ laughter ] he's half the price of "2 chainz." [ laughter ] you ever heard of "no chainz"? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: yeah, "no chainz" great. he's not a good rapper, but he's cheap.l[ laug er ] and nally, i don't know if you saw this, but a soccer player in belgium hit the ground pd tty hard in a game this week. i don't really know soccer that well. i know a little bit. but they had a really unusual way of icing down the injury. i don't know if this is normal take a look. this is real. [ speaking foreign language ] [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: then the real doctor came out and said, "who's this guy?" yethah. bulaughter and applause ] we hav a great show! give it up for the roots, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. anved than you very much. guys, come back next week. we have zac efron, taraji p. henson, heidi klum, rachel maddow, we have jason schwartzman, they'll all be here. [ cheers and applause ] plus, we have performances from the cast of "amazing grace," m hunt, carly rae jepsen. [ cheers nd applause ] very special. >> steve: oh. >> jy'immy: michlsl mcdonald and the doobie brothers will be re! >> steve: come on! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but first, we have a a fantastic show tonight. can you beat this guy? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: no, you can't be him. he's from the netflix series "house of cards," agai
gin, he got nominated for an emmy.d[ cheers and applaree ] he's amazing, the talented tonight. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: later in the show, kevin and i are going to play a a brand new trivia game called [ audience oohs ] itac's pretty funny. plus, he's one of the stars and creators of "key & peele," keegan-michael key is here. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] guy. >> steve: funny dude. >> jimmy: did you see him at the white house correspondents' dinner? >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: he was fantastic, oh my gosh. and we have great stand-up. we love having good stand-up comedians on the show. this guy is unbelievable, monroe martin is here tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guys, today is friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox -- [ cheers and applause ] i check some e-mails and i send out thank you notes. i was wondering, can i write some out right now? is that okay? thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] hey, james, can i get some -- can i -- [ laughter ] can i get some -- can i get some "thank you note writing music," please
>> jimmy: your teeth fell or something. >> steve: oh my gosh, his ompers fell mt. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: you should get some - poligrip. [ laughter ] >> jimmyorthank you, courtroom sketch of tom brady -- [ laughter ] -- for showing us what it would look like if tom brady deflated himself. [ laughter ] this is very -- [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: greetings, boys and ghouls. >> jimmy: thank you, the media, for complaining about how much coverage donald trump gets in the media. [ laughter ] if only there was something you, the media, could do about that. [ cheers and applause ] we're tired. we're mad. >> steve: too much!
he's "trumped" everyone. >> jimmy: thank you, heirloom tomatoes, for showing me what it would look like if a tomato hooked up with a pumpkin. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: tasty. >> jimmy: thank you, sliding glass doors, for being the intoxication checkpoint at a a barbecue. [ laughter ] >> steve: all right, give me your keys. >> jimmy: making the drinks strong this weekend, barbara. >> steve: you pour with a heavy hand, ma'am. la ater ] >> jimmy: thank you -- [ laughter ] [ ...ers and applause ] >> steve: hey, man. it's all cool. >> jimmy: hey, man. that ain't cool, man. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: you need another co statail? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: do you need another cocktail? >> jimmy: i'm just going to go outside and ask my wife if i can have another one. >> steve: okay, you go do that. >> jimmy: thanks man!
>> steve: look out! [ punch sound ] [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, fancy gyms. or, as i like to call you -- "james." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on! come on! don't make him sit there and look like a fool! that's a great joke! fancy gym. james. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, hey hey! >> steve: come on, i'm sorry! >> jimmy: you're overreacting. >> steve: i'm sorry. >> jimmy: you're overreacting! calm it down. >> steve: i just get upset every once in a while. they treated you like -- >> jimmy: come on. you gotta take a chill pill, man. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, guy who rushes into the elevator at the last second, for saving a a little time in your day by making everyone else hate you. there you go, everybody. ose are my thank you notes! we'll be right back with kevin spacey! [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest recently earned his third consecutive emmy nomination for his outstanding work on the netflix series "house of cards." ladies and gentlemen, please welcome kevin spacey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is the real deal. [ cheers and applause ] kevin spacey, ladies and
gentlemen. that's what i'm talking about. my main man. i love you, buddy. >> thank you. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show and congrats. three seasons of "house of cards," three emmy nominations. that's the way to do it, my friend. that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: well deserved. >> i love this show so much. i'm having the time of my life, you know. and one has to say working with robin wright and beau willimon and the whole cast, our crew down there in baltimore, it's literally the best job in the world. i absolutely adore it. >> jimmy: everyone has great chemistry. i just can't wait to see the next scene. you end up binge watching. then the fun of it is, i don't know if i can talk to people about it.
>> you can't. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> because you can't spoil it. >> jimmy: i know i can't spoil it, but i saw it. [ light laughter ] >> you can say, i saw it. >> jimmy: i know. >> but you can't [ bleep ] tell people what happened. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm just asking. i'm just asking if i can. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> we haven't even begun yet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've already punched me twice and cursed. >> and cursed. >> jimmy: this is like hanging out with you after hours. it's fantastic. [ laughter ] oh, i do want to hear about this story. this is very interesting. we briefly talked about it backstage. you got to sing with billy joel. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and how does that happen? how does one get to do that? >> it was pretty incredible. what happened is that billy and i have happened to over the years work with the same record producer named phil ramone. phil ramone is one of the greatest. and he passed away sadly about a year and a half ago. and so we had a memorial, and at the memorial i performed and also billy joel performed.
in fact, i was able to say i opened for billy joel because i went first and then he went. >> jimmy: exactly. >> so late last year i get a a phone call that billy joel is being honored with the gershwin prize from the library of congress. and they're going to have this big evening celebrating his work and he's asked if i will come and sing. and i said, well that's incredible. because, that's sort of very impressive. i said, who's doing it? they said, it's going to be leann rimes and, you know. tony bennett and you know, josh groban and, you know, flip coin. laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love flip coin! he's my favorite. he doesn't say yes to everything. he's like 50/50. [ laughter ] >> their cover of "new york state of mind" is pretty incredible. >> jimmy: i like the flip side. >> so anyway. and i thought, "well gosh, i'm not one of those people."
i'm not known, you know. i do a lot of singing but people don't know me that way. and i thought, i kind wanted whatever i did to be special and to sort of stand out. so they said, well what song would you like to do? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i rather crazily said, well, "piano man," of course. they go, well, actually, no. that's one of the five songs billy has asked us to hold back for him at the end of the night. >> jimmy: kind of his slam dunk. >> kind of his signature song. at the end of the night he's gonna get up and he's gonna do five numbers. and i was like, "oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, sorry, sorry, of course not." so anyway, four or five days went by and i called back to his office and i said, "can you ask billy if he might be open to the idea that we do "piano man" together? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you are a gutsy human being. this is why you're kevin spacey. >> it gets better. [ light laughter ] so i get this message back that billy actually thinks that's a a really cool idea, that we could do it at the end of the show. so i said, oh great. so then i waited like four days because i wasn't done. [ light laughter ]
so i called back and i said, can you ask billy if he'd mind if i did the harmonica part. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: kevin, this is unbelievable. [ talking over each other ] you're uninvited. >> then he goes, do you play the harmonica? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a good question. >> good question. and i said, "sort of." [ light laughter ] but i'll learn it. and i'll learn this number for this night, and that's what i did. >> jimmy: so you actually -- >> i literally -- i drove everyone on the "house of cards" set crazy for a month while i learned the harmonica of every moment i was off camera, i was learning the harmonica. >> jimmy: look what i found in the parking lot. [ cheers and applause ] come on. >> by the way, what were you doing in the parking lot? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: shooting season four of "house of cards." all right. yeah. >> well, it requires -- i just have to make sure i'm on the right side of it. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah.
>> it requires maybe a little intro. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. james? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there! [ cheers and applause ] that's the way to do it! you can play the harmonica! even if you can't, you taught yourself to play that. >> i did. >> jimmy: you're the greatest. kevin, let's talk "house of cards." congrats on the emmy nom. >> thank you. >> jimmy: can you tell us anything about season four? >> i can tell you -- >> jimmy: oh, please. we do this every time. >> i'll give you one little tiny spoiler. >> jimmy: for reals? >> when we last left frank and claire, it was, i believe, in
the middle of a presidential election. so i guess you could sort of figure when we come back for season four we'll be in the middle of a presidential election. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do this to me every time, and you always get me. and i always fall for it. >> i can't guarantee that it will be nearly as entertaining as the real presidential election. [ light laughter ] but we're going to try. >> jimmy: i want to show a clip from season three of "house of cards." the one and only kevin spacey. take a look at this. >> the secretary and i recommend increasing our relief funds to zimbabwe. outspend the israelis. >> well, president chimbetu will just pocket the money. >> well, we always anticipate a a certain level of -- >> a certain level? he's egregious. the man is a monster. >> who happens to run the african block. >> who happens to kill his own people when he's not stealing from them, which is why i reduced aid to zimbabwe. >> if we want him to remove the amendment, we have to be persuasive. >> we're scraping together every penny we can to save and work.
it's the last thing i want to do is be slammed for giving additional money to a brutal dictator from u.s.a.i.d. just to persuade him. this is ill conceived. you should think before you bring up a proposal such as this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on, this is what i'm t lking about. kevin spacey! kevin and i are playing a game called phone booth when we come back. it's pretty good. it's very, very funny. [ cheers and applause ] kids, juicy fruit gum with starburst flavors? yeah. (mmm...)
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[ cheers and applause ] >> steve: that was funny. welcome back to "the tonight show," everybody. we're about to try out a new game called "phone booth." it's a trivia contest. where you get a question wrong, a stranger from the mystery bench gets shoved into your phone booth. playing tonight, we have the host of "the tonight show," mr. jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] and the emmy nominated star of "house of cards," mr. kevin spacey! [ cheers and applause ] all right, gentlemen. our first question is for
kevin. [ phone rings ] >> oh, hello. >> steve: kevin. >> yes. >> steve: what cocktail is made from whiskey, sweet vermouth, bitters and a maraschino cherry? you have 15 seconds. >> oh, my goodness, 15 seconds. vermouth. bitters. maraschino cherry. >> jimmy: take the whole 15 seconds, gosh. [ laughter ] >> from what i remember, you did a whole lot of this during the poetry stuff you were doing earlier. >> jimmy: "thank you notes." >> steve: and your answer is? >> it's a cocktail. [ laughter ] >> steve: judges rule, it's a a "manhattan." >> oh, it's a manhattan. >> steve: oh that means joining kevin's booth is the one of the creators of the emmy-nominated comedy series, "key & peele", mr. keegan-michael key! [ cheers and applause ] >> here we go. >> jimmy: they borrowed these from abc. >> steve: all right, jimmy. [ phone rings ]
next question is for jimmy. i don't think he's there. >> jimmy: hello? >> steve: your question is, "who has more billboard number one singles, rhianna or madonna?" >> jimmy: simmer downa -- it must be -- oh, man. i got to say it's my girl madonna, but i don't know. ay yi yi. number one singles. >> steve: your final answer? >> jimmy: rhianna. >> steve: correct! [ bell rings ] [ cheers and applause ] joining kevin's booth, please welcome the number one pick in the 2015 nba draft from the minnesota timberwolves, karl-anthony towns! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh, karl, how are you? >> karl: how is this possible?
>> i'm not sure. just come on in. >> karl: you smell like cologne. you smell really good. >> how about a softball this time? come on. >> steve: next question is for kevin. [ phone rings ] >> karl: the phone is ringing. >> yes? most ridiculous sketch ever. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: look how sweaty he is. >> steve: very hot in there. kevin, how many teeth does an adult human have? >> i can consult with my other -- >> steve: yes, you may. they're on your team. >> steve: 15 seconds. >> you can't even turn around. >> i believe 36. >> steve: 36, judges. that is wrong! >> what? >> steve: it is 32! joining kevin's booth from "parenthood," "arrested development" and "the duff," please welcome the lovely mae whitman! [ cheers and applause ]
oh, my gosh, how are you? go ahead in here. i think there's a space where she fits right in there. >> hi, guys! this is actually working for me. i feel very comfortable in here. very comfortable. [ laughter ] >> steve: okay. moving along -- [ phone rings ] the next question is for jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hello, who is this? >> steve: it's steve. >> jimmy: hey, buddy. >> steve: how's it going, bud? >> jimmy: how you doing, man? >> steve: i'm doing good. i've got a question for you. >> jimmy: what's up, buddy? >> steve: a baby born today would be which astrological sign? 15 seconds. >> jimmy: i have no idea. taurus? >> steve: is that your final answer? >> jimmy: yes. no. no, it's not. >> steve: you wouldn't be lying
to me, would you? >> jimmy: oh, it's leo. >> steve: oh, that is correct! [ cheers and applause ] joining kevin's booth, he won "the triple crown" this year on american pharaoh, please say hello to victor espinoza! [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> oh, wow. >> steve: there we go. >> get your leg in there. >> steve: he's got it. one leg in. >> is the horse getting in, too? the horse. [ laughter ] >> steve: here we go. here we go. >> i can only assume that's your wit. >> steve: oh, my goodness! [ alarm ] we all know what that sound means. it's time -- >> hey, that's not the phone. >> here you are, sir. >> steve: it's time for "the final call."
the winner of this next question gets to shove everyone else from the mystery bench into their opponent's booths. let's bring out everyone from "the mystery bench." he's the start of the hit 1 1982 film,"e.t." please welcome e.t. [ cheers and applause ] our very own hashtag the panda! and one of our favorite residents of "sesame street," the one and only big bird! [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, everybody! >> big bird is following me. >> jimmy: big bird! >> steve: the final question -- >> big bird is calling me on everything. >> steve: calling kevin. [ phone rings ] >> yeah, i got it, yeah. >> steve: hello? kevin? >> yes.
>> steve: here's your question. how many letters are in the word "claustrophobia"? you have 15 seconds. [ laughter ] >> i only went to college for one year. i can't answer that. >> 13 or 14. i think it's 14. but is it 15 or not? 14? >> steve: your answer is? >> 14. >> steve: what is it? >> 14. >> steve: 14? that is correct! [ cheers and applause ] >> woo! >> steve: that means kevin's booth wins. let's get all the winners out here. come on. let's see how many people we can shove into jimmy's booth. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, good to see you, my man. [ talking over each other ] >> okay, my turn. >> right there.
>> jimmy: i think that's all we can that we're gonna get in here right now. our thanks to kevin spacey, keegan-michael key, karl-anthony towns, mae whitman, e.t., hashtag panda, big bird. more "tonight show" after the break, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] lily lily, may i call you lily? i don't really know what else you'd ca- lily, i want an iphone, with a great data plan to share pictures of this smile. well, all of our mobile share value plans come with rollover data so the data you don't use this month rolls over to the next. wow. using unused data for all sorts of uploads. my constituents love... to... watch...me talk. today's leftover data means a brighter future tomorrow america. write that down. right now, get $300 credit for every line you switch to at&t when you buy any iphone for $0 down with an eligible smartphone trade- in.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my next guest is one of the stars and creators of the peabody award winning and unbelievably funny comedy central show "key & peele," which was nominated for eight emmy awards this year. please welcome a talented man. here's keegan-michael key, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at you now! >> whoo! >> jimmy: woo-hoo! >> i tell you what, it was
ugly, but we had the win. we got the win. >> jimmy: that was some old school -- >> that was some old school johnny carson stuff there. you see victor espinoza just went, plunk. just slid in there. my man just went -- he just slid in there. >> jimmy: that was so good. that was fantastic. >> it was like he practiced that technique. >> jimmy: he's good at that. he's really good at that. >> competitive. >> jimmy: congratulations. eight emmy nominations for the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: congratulations. and then you said, this year, you go, "yeah, this is our last season." then we go, "wait, what?" >> yeah. >> jimmy: you just did it. >> we just figured we're going to go the british route, you know, where they do, like, three or four seasons of everything and then go, "we're done." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exactly. [ english accents ] >> "we're bloody well done." >> jimmy: "we're bloody well done. absolutely." >> "we've done everything we've tried to do. we've done it and we're done! we're bloody well done!" >> jimmy: "bloody well done!" [ laughter and applause ] >> that's exactly right. >> jimmy: but we talked about this, one of the characters, the most famous characters from the show, is you play luther.
>> right, right, yes. >> jimmy: who is president obama's anger translator. >> right, right. >> jimmy: let me tell you something. man oh, man, when you first came on, we talked to the president, and we said, "do you watch television? what do you think is funny?" >> yeah. >> jimmy: he said, "you know there's a funny show on comedy central" [ imitating obama ] "i do like to watch 'key & peele'." he did say that, yeah. yeah, i was in louisiana shooting a movie and jordan called me he was like, "you don't understand what just happened right now. you don't understand -- [ laughter ] and as he's calling me, i's like, -- i'm talking to jordan and look at the phone. and it's a tweet from you or from the show, from "late night" saying, "kind of might want to watch the show tonight." >> jimmy: you get a shout-out from the most important man -- >> on planet earth. >> jimmy: on the planet earth. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: and then i just love -- i love luther. it's great. he loves it. and then here's what i just love. you mention something like that on the show and it's fun and we're all laughing. then i get to watch the "white house correspondents dinner" this past year and who's standing next to the president of the united states
doing a comedy bit but you, sir. >> it was unbelievable. >> jimmy: you were fantastic. you were really great. [ cheers and applause ] it was a solid piece of comedy. >> it was so much fun. it was the second greatest day of my life because i love my wife. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. what's it like rehearsing with the president? >> i was in a room in the west wing called "the map room," which is where fdr used to store all of his maps or whatever. very historical room. and the president, all of a a sudden you feel this -- a a warm wind, like the holy spirit, blows into the room. [ laughter ] and then all of a sudden he just -- he just kind of -- he just up and walked like -- like stand up, jimmy. he just walks into the room like this. he's like "there is keegan. what's going on?" and just got in there. he just grabs me and hugs me. and i'm like, "that's why you're always afraid there's going to be a little red dot on your head." you know what i mean? >> jimmy: oh yeah, no -- >> "no, he hugged me.
he hugged me. he hugged me. but he hugged me!" [ laughter ] i'm not assaulting the leader of the free world. >> jimmy: no. >> he hugged me. and so and then we ran through it a couple of times and the president was like, "oh, you got to get it in in there. you got to keep your wits about you. this is serious stuff. can't be laughing in there, okay?" we get two lines into the rehearsal, he's like -- [ laughter ] "i'll tell you what. i've got to keep it together." [ laughter ] i'm like, "yeah, you've got to keep it together. don't you [ bleep ] me out there, barack!" [ laughter ] "don't you [ bleep ] me!" >> jimmy: you can't say that. >> red dot, red dot! >> jimmy: no, red dot. red dot. >> "this is the biggest night of my life, you son of a --" >> jimmy: you did not. >> i did not say that. i did not say that. >> jimmy: and it really worked out for the best. >> it went really well. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip here. it's a new character. this is called "judge jessie." this is from your show "key & peele." here's keegan-michael key. watch this. >> today on "judge jessie," judge jessie turns up the heat.
>> you signed a piece of paper. he gave you the snake. then you bring a snake into the home with two small chihuahuas! >> i had not been made aware that the snake would get rid of the skin and the sprinklers came down with the snake ruining my carpet. >> what set off the sprinklers? >> unrelated popcorn fire, your honor. >> "judge jessie" as a police officer, he defended the streets. as a trial lawyer -- >> objection! >> he fought for the truth. as a black belt. [ yelling ] he mastered discipline. as a carpenter, he learned the value of craftsmanship. as a surgeon, he mastered a a cool head. as a crack ho, he learned to go days without sleep. and as an announcer, he does the voiceover on this show. coming up on "judge jessie."
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh, keegan-michael key, so happy for you, buddy. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> jimmy: watch "key & peele" wednesday at 10:00 p.m. "comedy central." we have stand-up from monroe martin after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hanes underwear and socks with revolutionary x-temp technology are designed to respond to your body temperature to help keep you cool. let's put it to the test. hey dad! emily? ready? wait! no! wait! slow down a little! oow! watch out for the speed bumps! it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. hanes x-temp technology for men and women. because when you're cool, you're comfortable. so good. create your own tour of italy while you still can, starting at $12.99. choose three of our nine most loved dishes to enjoy on one plate. served with salad and breadsticks
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're joined right now by a very funny comedian. he is part of the cast of the upcoming netflix series "masters of none." and you can also catch his act live here in new york city at the stand comedy club. say hello to monroe martin, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, thank you. i appreciate that. i just came back from italy, went there this summer. i don't -- i didn't' believe -- thank you, thank you. i didn't believe that was real. i thought it was a postcard. [ light laughter ] but that's how ignorant i am. like i don't know anything about geography. if you showed me a map and america wasn't on it, i would be like, "oh, you like 'game of thrones,' too?" [ laughter ] i learn by going to italy that they banned gmos from their country, which is amazing. it shows they care about their people.
over here, we're just giving people ninja turtle meat by the pound. [ light laughter ] even though i know that, like i'm not one of those people that will stand on a soapbox for the animals. like, i know they put steroids in it. i don't care if it's free range, like, i don't care if my chicken went to college for liked poetry. [ laughter ] like, i watched them put steroids in the chicken. i'm like, yeah, you do that. [ laughter ] i want my chicken doing push-ups when they come to kill it. [ laughter ] the strongest chicken in the cage. i want to have chicken with "cage life" written across it's stomach. [ light laughter ] he got tear drop tattoos on the side of his face. [ laughter ] he killed four other chickens just to become nuggets first. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i want that chicken that was playing "get fried or die trying" in the background. [ laughter ] walked to the front of the cage like, "i've been waiting for you sons of bitches. [ laughter ] jumps in the grease and plucks his own feathers. [ laughter ] i believe you can only eat as healthy as the stores
surrounding your area. i live in bedside brooklyn so i don't have a chance at all. [ laughter ] no matter what store i go to, there's always a floor refrigerator dedicated to arizona iced tea. [ laughter ] arizona iced tea was designed to kill the lower class. [ light laughter ] 32 ounces of straight diabetes -- [ laughter ] -- for only 99 cents! [ cheers and applause ] i drank one, i peed out cake. that's how sweet it is. [ laughter ] like, ooh, red velvet! [ laughter ] i've never even see animals eat healthy around my way. like, i've never seen a rodent, like a squirrel, eat an acorn or a nut. i've seen a squirrel eat a a peanut m&m, and i was very concerned. [ laughter ] i was concerned because he ate all the chocolate and left the nut. [ laughter ] i was like, "yo, you got to slow down on the sugar. you're going to lose your tail, man." [ laughter ]
terrible, man. i watch the news a lot. i watch cnn because that's news for people with a.d.d. [ light laughter ] it's so much stuff on that screen at one time that you got to focus on. [ light laughter ] they got letters, numbers, stuff scrolling over the bottom, people talking over here. you've got to watch the news like a cat following a laser beam. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i watch cnn because i know what to pay attention to whenever i watch it. i pay attention to the stuff scrolling at the bottom because that's the real news. and they know people don't read anymore. [ laughter ] they distract us all with the bull crap. they be like, "justin bieber caught drag racing in florida. we're bringing back slavery next tuesday." [ laughter ]
they talk about racism a lot in the news. i think i'm a little desensitized now because everything i enjoyed as a kid always had a hint of racism in it. my favorite comic book character was the incredible hulk. just realized he was a black dude. [ light laughter ] when he's bruce banner, little frail white guy, no one is afraid of him, he's super smart. when he gets upset, he turns into a big black dude, but they don't make his skin black because that's way too obvious. [ laughter ] so they make him dark green and put slave pants on him. [ laughter ] he's hunched over 'cause society is keeping him down. don't speak proper english anymore. he's like -- [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] smash. he can't fly, but he can jump real high. [ laughter ] i know a black dude when i see one, man. [ laughter ] all right, thank y'all. y'all have been awesome. appreciate that.
oh, my god. my thanks to kevin spacey,: keegan-michael key, monroe martin, the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thanks for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. bye-bye everybody! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight, paul rudd, from "hudson valley ballers," writers paula pell, and james anderson, music from anderson east, featuring the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is,
seth meyers! fr>> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good to hear. good to hear. now as you heard yesterday, president obama announced a big clear deal with iran and it turns out now that some economic sanctions are being lifted, iranian citizens are apparently clamoring. clamoring for western products like iphonhs. and im thinking we should have just sent them iphphes in the fiilrst place. then they'd never get any work done on a nuclear weapon. [ laughter and applause ] never. "no. no, i can't do that now, i'm doing candy crush. no, you build the centrifuge. i'm doing this. i'm on 800. it's a good level.
it's a level. [ light laughter ] i don't want to explain it to you now. i just got this." light laughter ] bernie sanders, we're all familiar with bernie sanders. he is running for president and his campaign reported earlier today thatmit has raised more an $15 million during the second quarter of this y r. sanders was able to raise most of that money by selling the design for the flux capacitor. [ laughter and applause e because people in china get their hands on that. ese guys. [ light laughter ] "we'll just get the capacitor.. president obama said yesterday, president obama said yesterday that education is the key to reducing the prison population. though apparently power tools also work. [ light laughter ] not a good -- not a good month for prisons.